Paying My Pennance

Ouch.

Today I begin what I am sure to be a long, arduous process of atoning for my every IV sin. Out of the tens of thousands of patients Iíve treated, Iíve gained intraveinous access thousands of times. Probably Iíve missed a thousand or two more times than Iíve stuck and now itís time that I pay.

If youíve been reading my blog for much time, you probably know why. My wife, who is now Gkemtp(it), completed bloodbath class in paramedic school today. Sheís now ďsigned offĒ to perform IV sticks and is willing, nay, eager, to practice on any willing, or in my case reluctant, warm body who gets in her way. As her husband who she has seen performing IV access skills on countless patients, I am seen as the perfect pincushion practice patient.

When coaching students new in the arts and sciences of darting blood vessels and sliding straws into them I usually say something like: ďDonít be afraid to hurt the patient. Donít pull away if they whimper. Itís going to hurt, just stick them anyway.Ē I tell them this because every needle hurts a patient to a varying degree. While I donít feel needle pricks for intramuscular injections in the deltoid muscle, I think that IVs are rather ďouchyĒ. When youíve got to stick a patient, itís going to hurt them. Youíve got to go in and get it done, donít be tentative, donít dilly dally around. Go in for the kill and stick it in there quick. If youíre slow, or youíre trying to be ďgentleĒ youíre actually hurting them more so than you would be if you just were quick and to the point. ďJab that needle in thereĒ, I say.

Of course, sometimes I miss IVs. Sometimes Iím just on a cold streak and I canít hit a vein to save my lifeÖ or the patientís for that matter. During those periods I feel sorry for my patients, but if they need a line they need a line. Luckily those time periods donít last as long as they used to after a decade or so, and I promptly return to my usual standards of mediocrity.

And now that Gkemtp(it) is signed off by her paramedic instructors to perform IV sticks, she needs practice dummies. As her husband itís my duty to pony up my vascular access points and commence the bleediní.

Owch, ouch, and owwie!

Even though Gina hasnít technically missed an IV attempt on me yet she has started a few of them on me. Itís not the first time Iíve offered up my tender vascular system for the education of others, and it probably wonít be the lastÖ because thereís four other people from one of my agencies in paramedic school, and three from the other. Every darn one of them is a maniac waiting with a needle ready to pierce me. They ask a lot. They beg, they pleadÖ and in the case of Gkemtp(it) they demand.

Really, Iím freaking afraid to go to sleep at night only to wake up and find myself riddled with holes and in fluid overload!

So, if youíve ever been my patient when Iíve been having a bad IV streakÖ Iím sorry. Look, I said I was sorry and now Iím atoning for it.

Gk!? What do you have in your hand!? No!!!!11!!

  • medicblog999

    I think Gina needs to practice going in at the foot (just for the extra 'ouchy' factor.I laughed out load at the image of you waking up thinking you had woken up in some sort of wierd bondage hotel only to realise that you have 14 I.V s in you with giving sets snaking up to 14 drip poles!Well done Gina! Have fun with CK.I let Mrs999 have a go once when she was about to qualify. She got it in first time, so it was my clinical judgement as her line manager to inform her that she was fab and didn't need to cannulate her husband any more!

  • medicblog999

    I think Gina needs to practice going in at the foot (just for the extra 'ouchy' factor.

    I laughed out load at the image of you waking up thinking you had woken up in some sort of wierd bondage hotel only to realise that you have 14 I.V s in you with giving sets snaking up to 14 drip poles!

    Well done Gina! Have fun with CK.

    I let Mrs999 have a go once when she was about to qualify. She got it in first time, so it was my clinical judgement as her line manager to inform her that she was fab and didn't need to cannulate her husband any more!

  • EMS Chick

    Now you know why my husband runs, and I don't mean walks quickly I mean he RUNS, out of the room when I pull out an IV needle to practice. He isn't in the medical field but I've commented a time or two on what nice veins he has.

  • EMS Chick

    Now you know why my husband runs, and I don't mean walks quickly I mean he RUNS, out of the room when I pull out an IV needle to practice. He isn't in the medical field but I've commented a time or two on what nice veins he has.

  • peedee

    I have what equates to track marks from all the IV's I let my classmates and eventually students start on me. Actual scars!!

  • peedee

    I have what equates to track marks from all the IV's I let my classmates and eventually students start on me. Actual scars!!

  • Just Me

    Hilarious – great visual :D My husband stuck me all over (yes, the foot one, too!) when he was practising, and I've already let him know that pretty soon it's MY turn! *hehe*

  • Just Me

    Hilarious – great visual :D My husband stuck me all over (yes, the foot one, too!) when he was practising, and I've already let him know that pretty soon it's MY turn! *hehe*

  • 40lizard

    It's oh so funny that you have this post up! We just qualified today for IV skills and ETT! As the official class pincushion- it finally took one of the instructors to get the vein for my stick! But let me tell you I intend to be very careful when doing an IV from here on out! I wouldn't dare bring anything home to practice on my spouse. Bless his heart he'd be on the floor and then I'd be in big trouble!

    I got mine first go but it helps when you have a classmate that has ropes for veins!

  • 40lizard

    It's oh so funny that you have this post up! We just qualified today for IV skills and ETT! As the official class pincushion- it finally took one of the instructors to get the vein for my stick! But let me tell you I intend to be very careful when doing an IV from here on out! I wouldn't dare bring anything home to practice on my spouse. Bless his heart he'd be on the floor and then I'd be in big trouble!I got mine first go but it helps when you have a classmate that has ropes for veins!

  • scott62

    Love it bro. She can always come over and pratice on wife and I. heck do the kid and dog….after last sat. nite need IV next day.

  • scott62

    Love it bro. She can always come over and pratice on wife and I. heck do the kid and dog….after last sat. nite need IV next day.

  • Pingback: Busy Blogger Re-Run – Paying My Pennance | Life Under the Lights

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Chris Kaiser aka "Ckemtp"

I am a paramedic trying to advance the idea that the Emergency Medical Services can be made into the profession that we all want it, need it, and know it deserves to be.

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  • Comments
    Ianto Jones
    The Natural Alignment Movement – Freedom of Choice from the Orthopedic Conspiracy
    Oh, dear G-d. This was hilarious, but I'm fighting not to find it dangerous as well -- someone's gonna share it on FB, and one of _their_ friends is going to send it to Bright Star MorningGlory Rainbow, who will send it to her YahooGroup, and someone there will reply that he *thinks* he broke…
    2014-11-18 09:54:00
    Thad Torix
    Patient Friendly Jokes
    Have you heard my construction joke? I'm still working on it.... (Credit to my youngest daughter for that one. My partners are absolutely sick of hearing that joke...) On another note, what a fantastic blog. If you are ever in SW Missouri, stop by and say hello. Thad Torix - EMS Instructor & Clinical Coordinator…
    2014-11-03 18:27:00
    mr618
    Welcome to the Club
    Well said, Chris. We can't save everybody, but the ones we don't save tend to stick around a lot longer than the ones we do save.
    2014-10-18 14:40:00
    Steel City Medic
    Welcome to the Club
    Particularly appropriate for me this week. Thanks.
    2014-09-23 21:46:00
    DiverMedic
    Welcome to the Club
    Very well done, Chris.
    2014-09-17 22:15:00

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