SeekerCenter: An Option for the Pharmaceutically Denied

Gary, Indiana 04/01/2013

A new service announced today at a small, Gary based company seeks to provide a solution to many thousands of Americans suffering from a growing problem: Repetitive Pharmaceutical Denial.

Gary Lange, Senior Vice President of SeekerCorp announced in a press release dated yesterday that his company “Seeks to aid in the plight of many Americans who keep being denied access to the pharmaceutical enhancement they both need and desire.”

Calling the situation a “Crisis of Epic Proportions” in a subsequent interview, Mr. Lange called attention to the problem.

“Thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of Americans are denied access to prescription pharmaceuticals in this country every day. These people depend on these prescription drugs to elevate their mood, provide needed relief to the stressors of their life, and avoid facing even another minute without some sort of pharmaceutical enhancement. They are denied access to their needed pharmacological relief by heartless and cruel physicians, nurses, and ambulance crews who cite red-tape regulations, laws, and other procedures for denying these people the prescription medication they desire”

Calling his new system a way to “revitalize and rejuvenate a growing industry”, Mr. Lange has created a website where people who desire pharmaceutical enhancement via prescription medication can get information on how to obtain the controlled substances they want. The site, which does not yet have a web address is entitled “SeekerCenter” and upon its release, will serve as an online information portal for those seeking prescription medications for a number of conditions.

“Some of these people like to feel relaxed and find that Xanax is their preferred method of relaxation. Some people do not wish to experience discomfort and find that premedication with a prescription narcotic such as Vicodin or Demerol really helps them avoid the unpleasantness of feeling pain during their lives. Some people find that they sleep better on Ambien, or wish to remain alert by taking Adderal or Ritalin as an enhancement device” Mr. Lange said. He continued, making air quotes with his fingers as he talked “These people used to have to try and convince heartless physicians to prescribe them these drugs on their own, we want to help with that. We want to provide a solution for those people who desire pharmaceutical enhancement on a recreational or occasional basis without having to struggle against a system designed to keep them from obtaining these drugs without what the ‘Red-Tape Buzz-Killing Doctors’ say is a ‘real medical need”

SeekerCenter will be an online database, search engine, and message board where people seeking medications can share information regarding such things as which doctors are looser with their prescription pads, the schedules of the local Emergency Room physicians, and which unlicensed Central American Online Pharmacies will ship pills that are not simply filled with talcum powder. Mr. Lange compared the service to that of the popular internet search engines.

“You can log into Google and find every doctor’s office and emergency room in a one hundred mile radius… but can you find out which ones are going to give you a shot of Demerol for your chronic back pain and send you home with a script for three weeks' worth of Darvocet? I think not. Our service will help people get these medications. We also will offer advice on such things as how to fake severe pain from say, a hip displacement on the street, and convince the paramedics to inject you with morphine” Lange said. He added “That pure morphine shit is awesome! You gotta try it!”

Mr. Lange is seeking investors for the project, calling the potential “Limitless”. “Soon we plan on adding features such as advertisements for ‘Pain Clinics’ and other doctors who want to help our patients ‘purely out of the goodness of their hearts” he stated, making liberal use of air quotation gestures and flashing a wad of twenties as he said the words “goodness of their hearts.”

SeekerCenter should be online soon and hopes to expand its offerings in every regional market in the United States. Mr. Lange believes that his product will truly help people who believe they have a need.

“Whether it’s a bowl of prescription party favors for your next party, or a way to kick back and relax without worrying that you’re peeing on yourself, now you can find your fix without having to resort to shady, back alley deals from people like I used to be.”

Keep reading this paper for the online address of SeekerCenter. It’s coming soon to a town near you.

  • firefighter zero

    Hmmm….. I wish I had my watch on so I could confirm what day it is. Maybe it is….Monday! Yeah, that is what day it is! I knew I would figure it out! I rule!

    • Ckemtp

      It *is* Monday! That’s why I’m filling today with hard-hitting reportage covering several (5 so far) hard-hitting fact-filled topics just brimming with journalism. Thanks for reading :)

  • Pingback: April 2nd, 2013 – Review of Yesterday’s “News” | Life Under the Lights

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Chris Kaiser aka "Ckemtp"

I am a paramedic trying to advance the idea that the Emergency Medical Services can be made into the profession that we all want it, need it, and know it deserves to be.

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