Who Needs Them Paragods?

4/1/2013 – Rhinelander, WI

Calling the county-based ambulance service “A bunch of dumb, know-it-all ‘paragods” Ernie Slater, a local volunteer Basic Level Emergency Medical Technician (EMT-B) dismissed calling for an Advanced Life Support (ALS) paramedic intercept for his patient with chest pain earlier this morning.

“Those dumb paramedics think they know everything” said Mr. Slater, hitching up his belt which in addition to holding up his EMS pants, also held a wide-array of pagers, radios, and EMS tools neatly arranged in holsters. “We show up and we can take people to the hospital. I mean, what more do they really need?”

Mr. Slater, who refers to Lifestar EMS, the county based paramedic service, as “Death Star” recently graduated from his EMT-Basic class at the local community college. He credits his vast amount of medical knowledge to the fact that he took the class three times before he passed it and had a lot of time to learn the information presented to him by the instructors, of whom he added “Were a bunch of idiots who didn’t know nothing.”

“We’ve got high-flow oxygen and can give nitro pills to anyone who needs em” He declared proudly, giving the patient their fifth pill since he assumed their care. Our service says we give them till the chest pain goes away and that’s what I’m going to do. I’m taking this guy to the ER down the street. I mean, what am I going to need those stupid medics for? Nothing.” He added “I got this.”

For his part, the patient, who called 911 this morning after awaking with crushing chest pain added “I can’t really complain about the care I’m getting, but shouldn’t an ambulance guy take the dip out of his mouth before he comes to your house? I’m pretty angry about him spitting tobacco juice on my carpet but how can you get mad at a volunteer?”

Paramedics, who can perform so-called “Advanced” treatments like starting IVs, giving medications, performing airway management techniques, and interpreting EKGs go to school for a significantly longer amount of time than do EMT-Basics. The length of school which Mr. Slater added “was stupid” and “dumb as hell”.  

“Why would I want to go to all of that extra school? I mean, I pretty much know everything they do and I see no reason why I can’t do all of the things like them ‘paragods” He opined derisively. “Starting an IV is easy and nothing they do is all that hard.”

At press time, Mr. Slater was planning to spend his evening hours playing video games at home rather than attending his service’s continuing education classes scheduled for tonight. 

 

  • firefighter zero

    Did the Onion hack your blog? I once read of the Jim Beam and Aspirin treatment for heart attacks. One bottle of each at the first sign of a heart attack. The gentleman said his first heart attack with out the treatment was scary. The second one with the treatment was much more enjoyable. The story was in the Onion, so what is not to believe? You have had me laughing all evening.

  • Midwest Medic

    I feel like I actually know this guy. Very accurate.

    • Ckemtp

      Oh, I think we all do

  • mr618

    I’m not sure this is legit. A number of the basics I knew in Connecticut had at least 50-75 lights on their vehicles; this guy doesn’t seem to have more than 20. (And that was back in the days of incandescent bulbs and — if you were rich — Whelen Strobe II heads).

  • chancegearheart

    Are you sure this is satire? Poe’s Law, man.

  • PARAMEDIC70002

    I more or less had this conversation just last week.

  • Tam Thompson

    Um, y’all? Check the date on this post…April Fool!

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Chris Kaiser aka "Ckemtp"

I am a paramedic trying to advance the idea that the Emergency Medical Services can be made into the profession that we all want it, need it, and know it deserves to be.

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