ďI guess theyíve been right this whole timeĒ opined Chief Dave Schlemmer of the Neighboring Ambulance Service, ďwe really are a bunch of idiots.Ē
In a small ceremony attended by various members of the media and numerous ambulance service members, the Neighboring Ambulance Service finally admitted that they are, in fact, ďa bunch of idiots who wouldnít know a bandage from a banjo if they tried.Ē
ďItís been a long time coming, but I can finally see that those guys over at the other service across town have been right all along. We just arenít very good at being EMTs. Our ambulance service does kind of suck, and we just arenít always very smart.Ē Proclaimed Chief Schlemmer.
The ceremony and announcement was in response to years of hushed talk and whispers amongst the EMTs and Paramedics who work for the service covering the jurisdiction immediately adjacent to Chief Schlemmerís district. They have referred to the neighboring ambulance service as a bunch of idiots for years.
Reports of such things as extended response times caused by ambulance crews getting lost, ambulances not starting due to having been left with the keys in the ďonĒ position, and stories of the EMTs not remembering even the simplest of medical protocols have been circulating around the EMS community for as long as anyone can remember, but the announcement made by the chief of the Neighboring Ambulance Service has finally confirmed what many have always believed.
ďWe have a thing where whenever we hear their tones go off, one of our crew members will whip out their cell phones and play ďYakety SaxĒ while we listen to them on the radio. It would be absolutely hilarious if it wasnít so sadĒ said an EMT from another local ambulance service as he was cleaning his truck in the hospital ambulance bay. His partner added ďYeah, hearing them try and handle a call is always a real sh**show. They sound like a bunch of nervous redneck terriers on the radio. Weíre usually very surprised to hear them actually make it to a scene.Ē
The EMTs continued to tell stories they heard about the Neighboring Ambulance Service providing laughably inferior patient care, like the time they saw them wheel a patient into the hospital ER with the head of the patient on the feet-end of the cot, and the numerous times theyíve seen members of their service place patients on 6 liters-per-minute of oxygen by non-rebreather mask. One paramedic said “I can’t believe that they use those stupid-looking ambulances with all of those decals on the side. Seriously… they look so dumb.”
ďIt really is true that some people drag themselves across our jurisdictional line before they call 911 so they donít have to have us respond to their callĒ said Chief Schlemmer. ďWeíre just that bad.Ē
At press time, the Neighboring Ambulance Service members all said that they hoped that ďthose stupid paragods from that other ambulance shop will finally cram a sock in it.Ē
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