Neighboring Ambulance Service Finally Admits to being “A Bunch of Idiots”

“I guess they’ve been right this whole time” opined Chief Dave Schlemmer of the Neighboring Ambulance Service, “we really are a bunch of idiots.”

In a small ceremony attended by various members of the media and numerous ambulance service members, the Neighboring Ambulance Service finally admitted that they are, in fact, “a bunch of idiots who wouldn’t know a bandage from a banjo if they tried.”

“It’s been a long time coming, but I can finally see that those guys over at the other service across town have been right all along. We just aren’t very good at being EMTs. Our ambulance service does kind of suck, and we just aren’t always very smart.” Proclaimed Chief Schlemmer.

The ceremony and announcement was in response to years of hushed talk and whispers amongst the EMTs and Paramedics who work for the service covering the jurisdiction immediately adjacent to Chief Schlemmer’s district. They have referred to the neighboring ambulance service as a bunch of idiots for years.

Reports of such things as extended response times caused by ambulance crews getting lost, ambulances not starting due to having been left with the keys in the “on” position, and stories of the EMTs not remembering even the simplest of medical protocols have been circulating around the EMS community for as long as anyone can remember, but the announcement made by the chief of the Neighboring Ambulance Service has finally confirmed what many have always believed.

“We have a thing where whenever we hear their tones go off, one of our crew members will whip out their cell phones and play “Yakety Sax” while we listen to them on the radio. It would be absolutely hilarious if it wasn’t so sad” said an EMT from another local ambulance service as he was cleaning his truck in the hospital ambulance bay. His partner added “Yeah, hearing them try and handle a call is always a real sh**show. They sound like a bunch of nervous redneck terriers on the radio. We’re usually very surprised to hear them actually make it to a scene.”

The EMTs continued to tell stories they heard about the Neighboring Ambulance Service providing laughably inferior patient care, like the time they saw them wheel a patient into the hospital ER with the head of the patient on the feet-end of the cot, and the numerous times they’ve seen members of their service place patients on 6 liters-per-minute of oxygen by non-rebreather mask. One paramedic said “I can’t believe that they use those stupid-looking ambulances with all of those decals on the side. Seriously… they look so dumb.”

“It really is true that some people drag themselves across our jurisdictional line before they call 911 so they don’t have to have us respond to their call” said Chief Schlemmer. “We’re just that bad.”

At press time, the Neighboring Ambulance Service members all said that they hoped that “those stupid paragods from that other ambulance shop will finally cram a sock in it.”

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Chris Kaiser aka "Ckemtp"

I am a paramedic trying to advance the idea that the Emergency Medical Services can be made into the profession that we all want it, need it, and know it deserves to be.

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