Patient Friendly Jokes

I always look for clean jokes to tell my patients, here’s where I’ll keep a repository of them

  • Ambulance_Driver

    Guy goes to his doctor's office for a cold, and the doctor, looking very harried, comes into the room and gives him a quick but thorough examination.

    Doc tells him, “Sorry, but it's a madhouse around here, what with all the swine flu cases and all. I'm just going to write you a prescription for – “

    And the doctor goes to pull the pen from the pocket of his lab coat, only to discover that it's a rectal thermometer.

    “Oh great,” he mutters in disgust. “Now some asshole has my pen.”

  • Ambulance_Driver

    Guy goes to his doctor's office for a cold, and the doctor, looking very harried, comes into the room and gives him a quick but thorough examination.

    Doc tells him, “Sorry, but it's a madhouse around here, what with all the swine flu cases and all. I'm just going to write you a prescription for – “

    And the doctor goes to pull the pen from the pocket of his lab coat, only to discover that it's a rectal thermometer.

    “Oh great,” he mutters in disgust. “Now some asshole has my pen.”

  • Ambulance_Driver

    Guy goes to his doctor's office for a cold, and the doctor, looking very harried, comes into the room and gives him a quick but thorough examination.

    Doc tells him, “Sorry, but it's a madhouse around here, what with all the swine flu cases and all. I'm just going to write you a prescription for – “

    And the doctor goes to pull the pen from the pocket of his lab coat, only to discover that it's a rectal thermometer.

    “Oh great,” he mutters in disgust. “Now some asshole has my pen.”

  • http://notesfrommosquitohill.com mack505

    My Kindergartener's favorite joke:
    “What's green and has four legs and would realy hurt you if it fell out of a tree?”
    –A pool table

  • landfill624

    Whats blue and smells like red paint?

    Blue paint.

    • Ambulance Amateur

      This one gets used tomorrow!

    • Capt Sparks

      So simple no one expects the answer. You have to laugh at its simplicity. I’m using this one on a regular basis.

  • http://www.ti-rescue.org/ Steve

    Guy goes into the doctor's office for an ear infection. The loud-first-sergeant-type nurse shuffles him to a cubicle and tells hime to take off ALL clothes and put on the stupid paper examination gown.

    Sitting there freezing, he starts grousing out loud about having to sit there naked for a stupid ear infection when he hears a voice from over the top of the wall “Hey–don't feel bad. I just came in here to fix the damn telephones.”

  • SeanEddy

    A guy is sitting in the waiting room at the hospital when the doctor walks out and says “Your wife doesn't look so good”.

    The man replies, “I know doc, but shes a great cook, makes a lot of money and she's good in bed”.

  • http://www.beavermedic.wordpress.com Beaver Medic

    Patty goes in to see the Doctor about some general malaise. After twenty minutes of thorough examinations the Doctor relents, “Patty, I am sorry but I just can't seem to figure out what is wrong you. I think it could be the drink.”

    Patty, “Ah don't worry about it Doc, sure I'll come back when you're sober.”

  • Chitownmedic

    Jesus walks into a motel – throws 3 nails down on the counter – asks the innkeeper – can you put me up for the night ?

    • Hardy_har

      This is about as patient friendly as bacon jokes to a Muslim.

    • Boermedic

      Not cool….

    • Mister Medic

      This should be removed

    • nursetobe

      do not like.

    • Capt Sparks

      Wow, I see people here who need to relax a bit. It’s called a joke.

      • Remotemedic777

        tell a bacon joke to a Muslim fucktart Not funny 

  • ShogunofHarlem

    To the patient immobilized with a c-collar: Why do you keep staring at the ceiling?

  • ShogunofHarlem

    To the patient immobilized with a c-collar: Why do you keep staring at the ceiling?

  • PGSilva

    A banana and a vibrator are sitting on the counter. The banana turns to the vibrator and says “why are you shaking? It's me she's gonna eat!”

    • SheraPrincess

      you really believe this is a clean joke that you can tell to your patients????? Do you find yourself answering to a lot of complaints of service?

  • PGSilva

    A banana and a vibrator are sitting on the counter. The banana turns to the vibrator and says “why are you shaking? It's me she's gonna eat!”

  • Medic Trommashere

    Something I say to my patients before unloading them out of the ambulance.

    “Sir/Ma'am, please keep your hands on your lap as we pull the stretcher out. This is not AT&T, so please don't reach out and touch someone.”

    • SheraPrincess

      I like to thank them for riding with us today in my best stewardess voice and kindly ask them to please keep their fingers and toes inside the ride at all times right before we pull the stretcher out.

  • mr618

    Our rescue unit had an interesting call last week at the local upholstery shop… guy fell into an automatic slipcover machine.

    Don't worry, though. The hospital said he's fully recovered.

    Thanks, I'll be here all week.

  • http://www.biblehealth.com/ear-infections/ear-infection-treatment-preventing-method.html Ear Infection Treatment

    Why did the tomato turn red?

    He saw the salad dressing.

  • http://twitter.com/flmedic Richard Tobin

      Your Duck is Dead–  A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.  After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”  The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”  ”Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.  ”How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done
    any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”  The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.  He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.  The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.  The vet looked
    at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”  The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, ”$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

    • Anonymous

      I saw this one posted outside the radiology suite at the local community hospital.  And of course the local vet has it too… right on the cage for the office cat.

  • mr618

    St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates:
    “For Service Ring Bell.”

    Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushes
    back to the gates, but no one’s there.

    St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He
    rushes back to the gates, but no one’s there. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes
    back to work.

    Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one’s
    there, and he’s now really, really irritated.

    “Okay, that’s it,” he says. “I’m going to hide and watch to see what’s going
    on.” So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings
    the bell.

    St. Peter jumps out and yells, “Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the
    bell?”

    “Yes, that’s me,” the little old man says.

    “Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?” St. Peter asks.

    “They keep resuscitating me.”

    (Source: Randy Cassingham, http://www.jumbojoke.com/irritating_st_peter.html, used by permission)

  • Balp

    This one only works as a spoken joke….

    Q:  What do you call a fish with no i’s?
    A:  fsh

    • Balp

      of course the guesser assumes its an eyeless fish…

  • Anonymous

    Our local pharmacy was burglarized overnight. Seems the thieves made off with several cases of Viagra. Police say they’re looking for hardened criminals.

    Thanks, you guys are great. Try the veal tonight, it’s delicious.

  • Mharriman

    Not as much of a joke as usually gets PT to at least talk…..one of the medics I work with always says this line before he starts an IV “dont worry this is going to hurt me at all” and by the time he finish the sentence he’s in and says “see I didn’t feel a thing” this either gets a laugh or at least a witty comment back.

    • Mharriman91

      *isnt

  • mr618

    What’s the easiest way to get a two-year-old’s fingerprints?

    Turn his nose inside out.

  • mr618

    What kind of lights did Noah have on the Ark?

    Flood lights, of course.

  • MassachusettsEMTB

    A truck bringing penguins to the new city zoo broke down by the roadside. As the policeman tried to direct traffic, a woman in a large SUV pulled over and said, “Officer, can I help?” The policeman looked at the penguins and said “Yes ma’am, could you please bring these penguins to the zoo?” And away she drove, with her SUV full of penguins.

    The next day, the same officer was out on patrol and saw the same woman driving the same SUV, and all the penguins were still inside it… Except they were all wearing sunglasses. The officer stopped her and said “Ma’am, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!”

    The woman smiled and said “Oh I did, Officer, and they had a great time. Today we’re going to the beach!”

  • TMF

    Great for kids….

    What’s on the inside of a clean nose?

    FINGERPRINTS

  • mr618

    For the non-EMS firefighting crowd…

    A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

    The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

    The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

    The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

    ‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the firefighter said with admiration.

    ‘Thanks,’ the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

    ‘Little partner,’ the firefighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster. ‘

    The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.’

  • mr618

    You may have heard we’re trying out a community paramedicine program here in Maine. I recently had the chance to see the program in action.

    My Aunt Lavinia hasn’t been feeling well for the past couple of weeks so we called the doctor. As it turned out, the community paramedic came out to the house to see her. When he was done, he asked for a glass of water, so we steered him out to the well (there are still some things lacking here at Chez618). The medic was leaning over a little too far, and fell into the well.

    I pulled him out and told him to treat the sick, and leave the well alone

  • Spooneed

    Did you hear about the guy who had Viagra lodged in his throat?? He had a stiff neck for a week!

  • Barefoot in MN

    In the ER– nurse tells patient all collared & backboarded, “We have to get you in for a CAT scan.” Patient replies, “no, please, I’m allergic to cats!”

    It’s okay, the nurse didn’t get it either….

  • lizardlips

    What do you call a steer with two legs? Lean beef
    What do you call a steer with no legs? Ground beef

  • James M.

    Why don’t chickens wear underwear?

    Because their pecker’s on their head!

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Chris Kaiser aka "Ckemtp"

I am a paramedic trying to advance the idea that the Emergency Medical Services can be made into the profession that we all want it, need it, and know it deserves to be.

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